Russian President Vladimir Putin demonstrates to reporters how he grabbed Obama’s balls and extracted unprecedented foreign policy concessionsPosted: October 7, 2013
At his G-20 press conference in St. Petersburg, Russian President Vladimir Putin modestly expressed his hopes for an improved U.S.-Russia partnership. Appearing cautiously optimistic as he left the stage, formally addressing members of the press following the event, Putin said he engaged in a 20-minute “friendly conversation” with President Obama.
Backstage, however, in candid remarks to reporters, Putin entertained the international media with a surprisingly frank, earthy description of his meeting with President Obama.
A highlight of that informal conversation, according to a media source who spoke on the condition of anonymity: Vladimir Putin cheerfully demonstrated the technique he used to grab Obama by the balls, twist them, and deliver agonizing pain.
“Putin immobilized his opponent immediately” said the source. “And he laughed about how easy it was to gain advantage over the passive, unprepared, inexperienced American President.”
Speaking through an interpreter, Putin described the encounter.
“Obama’s rhetoric was beginning to bore me. I could tell by his slack demeanor, his unguarded posture, that he’s not familiar with negotiating tactics as they are practiced by more masculine world leaders, including his predecessors.”
“Obama’s shallow, tiresome habit of wishful thinking, and his bland, empty partnership overtures made it too easy to teach him a lesson about the reality of global conflict resolution. He left me a critical opening”.
Putin smiled, “I developed this method when I was in KGB”, he explained, gesturing with his hands. Reporters gasped as the Russian President curled his fingers into a fist, demonstrating the ball-crushing, nut-twisting technique he employed during the meeting.
“The finger grip is important, and getting the optimal angle, but it’s the rotation and pressure that overwhelms the opponent.”
“Done correctly, you can take a proud bull and make him into a helpless little calf with this technique. I once knew a general who curled on the floor, wept, and cried out the names of pets, long dead since childhood”. Putin’s eyes sparkled as he recalled Obama’s anguish. “A grown man will promise anything. He will surrender his pride.”
Putin concluded “Barrack offered very little resistance. I extracted agreements, made my point. He hadn’t planned on conceding, but he didn’t really have a choice. I squeezed his nuts, I crushed them like this”.
“I whispered some things in his ear that made him cry.” Putin said coldly.
“When I let him go, he asked me to give him a few moments to compose himself”
Putin then put his hands in his pocket, and paused to reflect.
“Being a gentleman, and a diplomat, I was tempted to show mercy. But I didn’t. That temptation was momentary. I’m not here to make your President feel better. I’m not here to play games. I’m a motherfucker. I’m here to represent Russia”.
Reporters asked the Russian President to elaborate on what policy concessions President Obama agreed to, but Putin demurred.
“I’m not at liberty to discuss the details, but let’s just say the United States is obligated to make some significant foreign policy adjustments. The president is not the same person he was when the conference began”.
Pressed for additional comments, Vladimir Putin ended the informal chat abruptly. Waving off questions, the Russian President declined to share any further details of the encounter.
Grinning triumphantly, Putin donned an overcoat, accepted a glass of champagne, and quipped, “If Barack questioned his manhood before arriving at the conference, our private meeting settled the question beyond doubt.”