Holiday Survival: How to Fly in ComfortPosted: December 19, 2013
Gavin McInnes writes: About 44.3 million Americans are going to be flying this holiday season, which is a million more than last year. This is ironic because flying becomes about a million times worse every year. Here are ten ways to make it easier to hurl through the sky at 600 miles an hour and get there ten times faster than you would by any other means.
1. PRINT OUT YOUR BOARDING PASS
If you’re not checking bags (why are you checking bags anyhow—don’t you have sweaters at your mom’s?), having a boarding pass in hand means there is almost no limit to how late you can check in. When it’s a small airport that I know won’t have a big line, I’ll show up as the plane is boarding and still make it with plenty of time to do a couple of shots before the flight.
2. GET WASTED
The space you’re provided has shrunk to POW-in-a-bamboo-cage size, so you need to rub numbing cream all over the inside of your body to survive. That means getting to the bar fast and piling in as much hard liquor as your body can hold. That also means no hogging the bartender’s time with girl drinks like blackberry margaritas. If you time it right, you’ll slump down in your seat right as your body turns out the lights.
If they delay the flight, you will fall asleep at the gate and miss your flight. This happened to me once. Waking up at 2AM in an abandoned LAX is about as depressing as it gets.
3. TOLERATE FLIGHT ATTENDANTS
Anyone who’s ever flown first class knows that when Alec Baldwin got thrown off that plane, he’d been dealing with some of the biggest cunts the service industry has to offer. It takes years of “service” to get that gig, so the stewardesses who finally make it have entitlement issues out the wazoo.
The ones in coach are better, but what’s with the eye rolling when you push that button asking them to bring you a drink? The icon on the button is a stewardess bringing you a drink. I’ve noticed they’ve recently begun announcing, “We are here for your safety but we can also provide assistance if need be.” No, bitch, it’s the other way around. “You ain’t nothin’ but a waitress in the sky.”
However, as with cops, being a dick is only going to bite you in the ass, so kiss their butts and stay as calm as possible. Start all drink requests with “I hate to bother you, but…” and keep smiling. Sliding a male steward $20 usually garners a 200% return on your investment, although it doesn’t work with stewardesses. Male stewards will swipe their card to buy you movies and bring you enough free drinks to fill your briefcase. I’ve never asked for a hand job, but I don’t think it would be out of the question.
4. IT’S NOT A SLEEPOVER
I’ve railed against pajamas before, but every time I go to the airport, I’m shocked to see how few people got the memo. Women take this cuddly culture a step further by bringing a stuffed animal into the mix. It’s bizarre to look at a woman over 20 carrying a goddamned teddy bear on a plane. This is after she and her pajama-wearing brother get up from the nap they just took on the floor at the gate as if someone accidentally built an airport in their bedroom. When you indulge yourself like that, it’s a visual fart to the eyeballs. We’re all in this together, so maybe try to compose yourself a little, you gigantic fucking baby.
5. DON’T RECLINE IN YOUR CHAIR
If a tiny child is behind you, or if it’s an overnight flight and the person behind you already has their chair back, then go bananas. However, those are the only two exceptions. I am consistently mortified by the number of people who have no problem impaling me on my tray just so they can watch a movie at a slightly more comfortable angle. They don’t even look back. That’s like a dude walking into a crowded bar and sitting on a stranger’s lap because there aren’t any seats.
6. TRY NOT TO REEK
You’d think most people would make not smelling horrible a priority, but no. Young people come on smelling like a skunk is selling pot to their armpits. Old ladies come on with so much perfume, it’s like getting raped in the nose. I once had to tell a teenager to put his sweatshirt back on because he was reeking up our whole row. He came back with, “Sorry, I didn’t sleep last night” as if I could give a shit. Unfortunately, when you hear an old lady squeeze the perfume trigger, there’s nothing you can do. The cabin pressure is too strong to open the emergency hatch.
7. DON’T LET YOUR KID KICK MY CHAIR
My kids are angels when we fly because I’m a fascist, so when a mom lets her kid kick my chair, I have to start policing other people’s kids. The great thing about this problem is that nothing scares the shit out of a kid more than a stranger turning around and saying, “Stop kicking my chair” right into his face. It turns them to stone.
8. SWITCH SEATS
Oh, come on, you’re not going to switch seats so a couple can be together? What about a mom and her kid? You want to keep them separate so you can retain your fucking aisle seat. What kind of a human turd are you? You won’t make your trip 3% worse so they can make their trip 100% better? It’s Christmas.
If someone refuses to switch seats with you, even if you offer to pay them, be a man, suck it up, and go back to your seat. You may fantasize about severing their femoral artery, but you can’t punish someone for not doing you a favor.
9. PRETEND TO BE RETARDED
This is so unethical and disgusting, I’m not sure I even want to admit that I do it. Crossing your eyes and bending your wrists in like you have cerebral palsy is a horrible thing to do, but sometimes flying gets to a Lord of the Flies level of desperation and you’re forced to improvise.
I have feigned retardation in order to sit with a business partner for a six-hour trip. I have also done it at the priority lineup because I was late for my flight and knew waiting in the normal line would make me miss it. The attendant kept telling me I was in the wrong line, but I kept being too retarded to understand him until he let me pass. It helps to button your top button when you do this, especially if you’re wearing a polo shirt. I have also done this at the gate while asking the woman there if I can sit with my friend. If we’re being totally honest, I may have said, “I’m #1” to the lady as I boarded and she possibly replied, “Yes you are” with a huge sympathetic smile. I’m not proud of that at all.
You have to retain the handicapped act until about twenty minutes after you sit down lest you get caught. This almost blew up in my face on one flight because as I sat there wobbling from side to side, a real handicapped man my age wearing a Superman shirt walked by with his mother, and I could tell she was considering seating us together so we could talk shop. We were making the exact same gestures and were both equally cross-eyed. If this had happened, I would have been fine with the punishment and stayed in character the whole flight, because you shouldn’t do the crime if you can’t do the time.
I heartily apologize to the family members and caretakers of the mentally handicapped for taking advantage of other people’s benevolence. It’s wrong and I’m sorry, but flying in America today has gotten so out of hand, it’s enough to make you retarded.