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BREAKING: Conservative Acquaintance Annoyingly Not Racist

After bashing The Onion earlier, it seems they’ve unexpectedly redeemed their street creed…

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BROOKLYN, NY—Acknowledging that the man’s right-wing views are more nuanced than one might expect, 36-year-old liberal Diana Hardwick confided to reporters Tuesday that her conservative acquaintance Brady Daniels is, quite frustratingly, not racist. “We got to talking about immigration, and I really wanted him to undermine his argument for stricter border controls by saying something disparaging of Latinos, but apparently his opinions are based entirely on national security issues instead of race—which is super irritating,” Hardwick said of Daniels, who reportedly describes himself as a “strong conservative” on fiscal issues but, annoyingly, exhibits no racial biases. “It would be so much easier if I could just write him off as a bigot, but as far as I can tell he harbors no resentment or disdain toward people of color. For God’s sake, we argued every issue from states’ rights to income disparity but nope, he didn’t say anything even tacitly racist. Not once.” Hardwick later concluded that her acquaintance’s opposition to most of President Obama’s policies meant he was probably “close enough” to count as a racist.

The Onion

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One Comment on “BREAKING: Conservative Acquaintance Annoyingly Not Racist”

  1. What believing in limited government, and that everyone should be treated equally in the eyes of the law, doesn’t mean you are a racists? Whoa…. who knew.


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