White House Unveils Plan Offering Cash Prize Incentive to Enroll in Obamacare; Death by Lethal Injection Penalty for NoncompliancePosted: March 19, 2014
“We have collective responsibility for each other’s welfare, individual opportunity for reward, and very real consequences for inaction. As a society we can’t afford to neglect our sacred duty to our fellow citizens.”
In a move that stunned even president Obama’s most ardent supporters, and shocked the president’s most vocal critics, the White House announced a new program: offering cash prizes for young people who sign up for Obamacare, and death by lethal injection for those who don’t.
In what is being viewed as sign of the administration’s frustration, stung by disappointing numbers of healthy young enrollees, and irritated by ongoing Republican opposition, president Obama is said to have acted alone, in this historically-unprecidented move, not even telling his closest aides he was crafting the new mandate. White House senior staff were notified early this morning, and by afternoon, were authorizing new initiatives, and issuing press releases.
“Using extra-constitutional power to kill American citizens with drones is one thing, but this is preposterous, even for Obama.”
— Charles Krauthammer
“Preparations are obviously being made to insure financial arrangements for the guarantee of cash prizes. But more importantly, an effort to enlist medical professionals, medical supplies and prison staff, for the lethal injections. It’s a nightmare to try to line this up on short notice,” said an administration insider who declined to be identified.
“This program is too expensive, and potentially reduces the pool of healthy young enrollees…this is just another ill-conceived, improvised attempt to save his ‘signature legislation’.”
— Senator McCain
Critics didn’t hesitate to voice their disapproval. “This program is too expensive, and potentially reduces the pool of health young enrollees,” said senator McCain, and added “the president is desperate, this is just another ill-conceived, improvised attempt to save his signature legislation.”
“When it comes time to enact the penalty, faced with the grim reality of killing millions of innocent young people, I predict we’ll see a repeat of the familiar pattern. Delay, after delay, after delay. Timed to coincide with election cycles.”
— Congressman Paul Ryan
Congressman Paul Ryan agreed. “Here’s what will happen. The administration will front-load the benefits, authorizing prize money to be distributed. but when it comes time to enact the penalty, faxed with the grim reality of killing millions of innocent young people, we’ll see a repeat of the familiar pattern. Delay, after delay, after delay. Timed to coincide with election cycles.”
“Contrary to what talk talk show personalities and Republican critics are saying, protecting the president’s ego, or insuring his legacy as a successful two-term president is the furthest thing from our minds. And frankly, we find the suggestion offensive.”
— White House Press Secretary Jay Carney
National Review editor Jonah Goldberg was in Washington D.C. when the press release was issued. We asked him to comment. He dismissed the press release. “I’d check your sources if I were you.” Lighting a cigar as he exited the Capitol building, Goldberg smiled and said, “I have no comment.”
Dr. Charles Krauthammer was characteristically blunt. “If true, these so-called executions will affect primarily lower income minorities,” adding “Picking winners and losers, making it up as he goes along, not considering the social impact of large-scale executions, this is unreal, it’s the Hunger Games. Using extra-constitutional power to kill American citizens with drones is one thing, but this is preposterous, even for Obama.”
“My only objection to the lethal injection, is that it’s is too humane. Not complying with Obamacare should automatically come with a penalty that delivers immediate, excruciating pain. Followed by a lingering, agonizing death. Unless he’s in a blue state…”
— Senator Al Franken, Minnesota
The White House defended its decision, citing the importance of the president’s commitment to the promise of access to quality, affordable health care for all Americans. “We’re not messing around”, president Obama said, in a brief statement. “The time to enroll is now.”
“The opportunity to enjoy an unexpected bonus, prizes valued up to as much as $250,000, is hard to ignore, for many young Americans,” a White House spokesman said, adding “For many, it will help pay off college loans, or provide additional security. For others, a chance to buy an Xbox, or take a vacation. Or take class in painting, or pottery, or buy a new car. It’s an exciting program, one that we’re proud to offer.”
At a highly-charged press conference today White House press secretary Jay Carney was frequently on the defensive. Reporters were on their feet, challenging the Administration’s “increasingly autocratic behavior, lack of respect for the rule of law, and morbid fixation on propping up a failing policy, even authorizing the federal government to kill young people who refuse to comply” said one reporter.
Carney fired back. “The time to avoid responsibility for critical health care decisions has passed. The president has made it clear that young people need to take this seriously. No more delays. We believe that incentivizing enrollment, by offering cash prizes, is the right thing to do. And death, while viewed by some as extreme, is also necessary, in order to achieve the goal of quality health for all of Americans. Contrary to what talk talk show personalities and Republican critics are saying, protecting the president’s ego, or insuring his legacy as a successful two-term president, is the furthest thing from our minds. And frankly, we find the suggestion offensive.”
Carney also dismissed speculation that that the new initiative, concealed until early this morning, was ghost-written by White House senior advisor Valerie Jarrett, or longtime Chicago associate Bill Ayers. “Nonsense”, Carney said. “The president crafted this personally, and stands by every word.”
When pressed further about the penalty, Carney said, “Executing noncompliant young people, possibly by the millions, could pose a logistical challenge. But we’re confident it won’t be necessary, as the cash prizes are ultimately the real key to the program’s success.”
Rand Paul didn’t hesitate to criticize the decision.
“This is unprecedented. It’s not just the prize money, the government resources, or even the threat of death that I find most troubling, it’s the ongoing abuse of executive authority. It’s another example of overreach. It has to stop.”
Senator Al Franken was among the minority of elected officials willing to go on record enthusiastically supporting not only the incentive, but the penalty.
“My only objection to the lethal injection, is that it’s is too humane. Not complying with Obamacare should automatically come with a penalty that delivers immediate, excruciating pain. Followed by a lingering, agonizing death”. Franken hesitated, and qualified his remarks. “Unless he’s in a blue state, then perhaps something less drastic. But make no mistake, if the individual has any record of conservative activism, tea party affiliation, or lives in a red state, then his whole family should be eliminated. No exceptions.”
This is a work of satire. For a real news story, see:
- Liberal Groups Bribing Young People With Cash Prizes If They Enroll In Obamacare… (weaselzippers.us)
- Leftist Groups Bribing Young People With Cash Prizes If They Enroll In Obamacare (patriotnetdaily.com)
- Obama: Enrolling in Obamacare Won’t Lead to Deportations (republicbroadcasting.org)
- Ohio lagging among 10 ‘critical’ states in Obamacare enrollment push, report says (bizjournals.com)
- ‘We won’t deport relatives because you enroll in ObamaCare’ (thisisrealmedia.com)
- WH Still Doesn’t Know How Many People Have Paid Their ObamaCare Premiums… (redflagnews.com)
- Carney: We just “don’t have specific data” for how many people have paid their premiums (hotair.com)
- HHS, playing selective with Obamacare enrollment numbers (washingtonpost.com)
- Obamacare likely to fall well short of goal of 7 million enrolled, despite late surge in sign-ups (al.com)
- Obamacare premiums expected to skyrocket next year (pumabydesign001.com)