Rachael Ray’s Horrifying Descent into Cannibalism: Cooks, Eats Joe Biden’s Skin

biden-head2ABC’s Rachael Ray hosted Vice President Joe Biden for a pre-taped interview which was planned to be aired on Monday March 31. In what was meant to be a cheerful televised interview to help promote Obamacare, Ray shocked the studio audience by announcing that she was going to cook and eat Joe Biden, because his skin looked so perfect, and delicious.

“…The most glowing, perfect skin of any person I’ve ever seen…”

Law enforcement officials have seized the tape of the broadcast, and are holding it for evidence. The FBI, the Justice Department, and the Secret Service are all declining to comment. Joe Biden’s family has also declined to comment, pending the investigation. Details of what happened are unclear, but this much is known, according to witnesses who were in the studio:

Ray began the segment by beaming that Biden had “The most glowing, perfect skin of any person I’ve ever seen” before telling the Vice President “I really want to know what moisturizer you use. I love moisturizers, my husband is a moisturizer as well. Would you tell me what moisturizer you use?”

Then she shocked her studio audience by calling for two bodyguards, who restrained Biden, moved him into the middle of the studio, opened a panel on the floor, then violently threw the Vice President into a deep well.

Ray then began taunting Biden, as he tried helplessly to claw his way out of the hole. Many horrified audience members headed for the exits, trying to get out of the studio, only to find the doors locked. Ray laughed, and lowered a basket of skin care products into the well.

“It puts lotion on its skin…”

Ray said, then instructed Biden to strip naked and apply the moisturizing lotion to his entire body. The Vice President’s screams were were so upsetting to audience members, Rachel Ray and her staff rushed to proceed with the cooking project she had planned.

According to witnesses, Ray put on an apron, and ordered studio assistants to decapitate Biden, then began preparing ingredients, as she narrated the process.

“This is going to be yum-o!” 

Later, Rachel Ray displayed Joe Biden’s head…

disclaimer: this account has been somewhat modified, exaggerated for entertainment purposes…

NewsBusters


2 Comments on “Rachael Ray’s Horrifying Descent into Cannibalism: Cooks, Eats Joe Biden’s Skin”

  1. jimnjoy says:

    Some people have too much time on their hands…evidently.

  2. […] Pundit from another Planet ABC’s Rachael Ray hosted Vice President Joe Biden for a pre-taped interview which was planned […]


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