It’s Not Just the Militarization of Police: In Seattle, Even Coffee Delivery is MilitarizedPosted: August 26, 2014
EXCLUSIVE: WEAPONIZED COFFEE DELIVERY SYSTEM SEEN IN MAJOR U.S. CITY
(SEATTLE) Spotted near a public market, August 24, 2014. Parked, unattended. Reports that it transports containers of psychoactive chemicals, powerful stimulants commonly found in high-grade roasted coffee beans, though unconfirmed, are currently under investigation.
“Based on the estimated storage size, I wouldn’t underestimate the payload of a vehicle like this.”
— Unnamed State Department Official
According to our analysis, a truck this size this could give an entire urban neighborhood — perhaps even an entire city — a full-scale nervous breakdown.
“The potential neurological affects on an unsuspecting population are enormous. If this armoried vehicle is filled with containers of rich, dark-roasted, military-grade caffeinated material, we would very much like to have a sample, so our lab can analyze it,” said Senior chemical Lt. Jack McGuffin.
Local law enforcement agencies neither confirmed or denied knowledge of militarized coffee delivery vehicles. The Department of Homeland Security declined to comment. Further research indicates that this truck is owned and operated by Motofish Coffee Company. We sent a reporter to investigate, with instructions to collect samples, and pick up donuts on the way back.
“The potential neurological affects on an unsuspecting population are enormous. If this armoried vehicle is filled with containers of rich, dark-roasted, military-grade caffeinated material, we would very much like to have a sample, so our lab can analyze it.”
— Senior chemical weapons analyst, Lt. Jack McGuffin
Though it’s possible that this vehicle was seized by unauthorized personnel, attempting to take command of its cargo, there was no evidence of rebel fighters, pro-government activists, anti-govenment activists, pro-coffee extremists, or any other restaurant-related radical elements in the vicinity.
We didn’t see any armed, uniformed personnel anywhere nearby, or any warrior baristas guarding the truck, but precautions were taken. More details about this unique vehicle here.