Happy times are here again! Republicans have won the Senate, and they surely won’t screw it up this time. Right?

photo/politico

The GOP Senate: A New Utopia Dawns

P.J. O’RourkeP.J. writes: Like all good Republicans, I’m so happy I could frack the moon. I could drone strike the Dodd-Frank Wall Street Reform and Consumer Protection Act, I’m flying that high. I’m feeling good enough to lay 1,179 miles of pipe with my honey-bunny Keystone XL. And now that the GOP has bedded the House andthe Senate, she is, ahem, about to come – delivering crude oil from Canada to the Gulf Coast and all the wetlands, wilderness areas, monica_lewinski_tomrichmond_comand sensitive eco-systems in between.

“Extraordinary things occurred the last time Republicans took legislative power away from a liberal quack…”

And that’s just the beginning of the wonderful events that are about to transpire. This is more exciting than the Newt Gingrich congressional triumph of 1994. Obama is a bigger sitting duck than Clinton. And Obama is a lame duck too. No Democratic Senate or House candidate was sitting in the voter blind with Hope and Change decoys on the electoral pond calling, “Barack! Barack! Barack!” Even the Dems ducked Obama.DonkeyHotey / Foter / CC BY

“To sum those things up in just two words, which still stir the heart of every right-thinking member of the Grand Old Party: Monica Lewinsky. Was that fun or what?”

And there was the Contract with America, with its balanced budget and term limits Constitutional Amendments and its Personal Responsibility Act to discourage having children out of wedlock.

Gop-Examiner

In 1993, 27 percent of American children were illegitimate. Now it’s, um, about 40 percent. But, come on, what kind of self-respecting Republican writes a contract that he can’t wiggle out of with the help of lawyers? And practically everyone in Congress is one.

Anyway, President Obama is going to have to change his style of governing. Maybe just nine holes of golf after an American ISIS hostage is beheaded. Maybe showing some spine with Putin by renaming the mixture of mayonnaise and ketchup that goes on salads and Reuben sandwiches “Liberty Dressing.” Maybe giving Deborah K. Jones, our Ambassador to Libya, a 9mm SIG Sauer and a pair of nunchucks.

Obama-sad-AFP-Getty-Images

Some other suggestions for the President, if he wants to get off on the “right” foot with the 114th Congress:

Buy an Obama family vacation time-share in an East Jerusalem Israeli settler condo to help repair relations with Bibi Netanyahu.

Have the IRS take a peek up the skirts of Emily’s List.

Trade Sgt. Bowe Bergdahl back to the Taliban, preferably for a Washington Redskins QB who’s less injury-prone.

as the electorate grows paradoxically more conservative and less friendly to Republicans, the challenge for the GOP is to figure out how to connect its conservatism with a conservative public that distrusts the conservative party.

Of course the Republicans will have to make compromises too. We had our own set-backs on Tuesday night, particularly here in my home state of New Hampshire — or New Hamster as we now call it, due to a Massachusetts invasive sub-species of Order Rodentia known as Massholes. The males wear socks with sandals. The females make their own jewelry. And they didn’t even turn out for their old friend Scott Brown. May they all stand in a puddle and stick their tongues in a Prius charge port.

And NH Second District Democratic congresswoman Annie Kuster failed to have a Last Stand against opponent Marilinda Garcia despite the willingness of the Tea Party to dress up as Indians and dump Annie in Boston Harbor where she belongs.

Actually, Brown lost the Senate race to Democrat incumbent Jean Shaheen because Scott once posed nude for Cosmo. “Naked male Republican” is not a thought anyone, Republicans included, wants in his or her mind, even if this particular one happens to be buff.

Most of the Republicans America just elected ain’t. And I’m glad of it.  We’re seeing more…(read more)

The Daily Beast


One Comment on “Happy times are here again! Republicans have won the Senate, and they surely won’t screw it up this time. Right?”


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