Gavin McInnes writes: About 44.3 million Americans are going to be flying this holiday season, which is a million more than last year. This is ironic because flying becomes about a million times worse every year. Here are ten ways to make it easier to hurl through the sky at 600 miles an hour and get there ten times faster than you would by any other means.
1. PRINT OUT YOUR BOARDING PASS
If you’re not checking bags (why are you checking bags anyhow—don’t you have sweaters at your mom’s?), having a boarding pass in hand means there is almost no limit to how late you can check in. When it’s a small airport that I know won’t have a big line, I’ll show up as the plane is boarding and still make it with plenty of time to do a couple of shots before the flight.
2. GET WASTED
The space you’re provided has shrunk to POW-in-a-bamboo-cage size, so you need to rub numbing cream all over the inside of your body to survive. That means getting to the bar fast and piling in as much hard liquor as your body can hold. That also means no hogging the bartender’s time with girl drinks like blackberry margaritas. If you time it right, you’ll slump down in your seat right as your body turns out the lights.
If they delay the flight, you will fall asleep at the gate and miss your flight. This happened to me once. Waking up at 2AM in an abandoned LAX is about as depressing as it gets.
3. TOLERATE FLIGHT ATTENDANTS
Anyone who’s ever flown first class knows that when Alec Baldwin got thrown off that plane, he’d been dealing with some of the biggest cunts the service industry has to offer. It takes years of “service” to get that gig, so the stewardesses who finally make it have entitlement issues out the wazoo.
The ones in coach are better, but what’s with the eye rolling when you push that button asking them to bring you a drink? The icon on the button is a stewardess bringing you a drink. I’ve noticed they’ve recently begun announcing, “We are here for your safety but we can also provide assistance if need be.” No, bitch, it’s the other way around. “You ain’t nothin’ but a waitress in the sky.”
However, as with cops, being a dick is only going to bite you in the ass, so kiss their butts and stay as calm as possible. Start all drink requests with “I hate to bother you, but…” and keep smiling. Sliding a male steward $20 usually garners a 200% return on your investment, although it doesn’t work with stewardesses. Male stewards will swipe their card to buy you movies and bring you enough free drinks to fill your briefcase. I’ve never asked for a hand job, but I don’t think it would be out of the question.