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Every Day is April Fools’ Day at punditfromanotherplanet

april-fool

Some highlights from today’s prank stories..

Exclusive: Controversial Female Teachers’ Group Dedicated to “Woman-Boy Love” Pledges Legal Support to Meredith Powell

‘Woody Whistle’ Given to Girl Scouts of America members in Manhattan to Help Protect Girls From Woody Allen

Charles Krauthammer Shows Up Drunk on Megyn Kelly’s Set, Unannounced

And here’s a golden oldie, based on a real photo, from late 2013…

Russian President Vladimir Putin demonstrates to reporters how he grabbed Obama’s balls and extracted unprecedented foreign policy concessions

You can usually find the malarky in The Butcher’s Notebook. Find any good April Fools stories today? Send them in, we’ll add them to the collection.

 

 

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‘Woody Whistle’ Given to Girl Scouts of America members in Manhattan to Help Protect Girls From Woody Allen

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The Girl Scouts of America announced today the introduction of a new warning system for girls and parents concerned about safety, called the “Woody Whistle“. Also called the “Woody Warning System“, it helps alert an adult guardian in case of predatory behavior by the director. Due to an increase in girl-stalking by film director Woody Allen, in parks all over Manhattan, an emergency procedure was devised. In the event of a Woody sighting, girls are instructed to blow the whistle, then wait for a guardian to intervene.

girl-blowing-whistle1“Woody spottings have increased, now that the spring weather is here, and we’re doing more outdoor activities, in public parks. Mr. Allen’s moods have become unpredictable again”, said Nancy Williams, safety advisor to the New York chapter of the Girl Scouts of America.

Parents have expressed gratitude to Scout officials, and have volunteered to step up their efforts to track the movements of Mr. Allen.

“I have a pair of binoculars, and the mobile phone numbers of all other parents, who are on the lookout, too. We’ve developed an informal intelligence network”, said one parent. “Last month we had a total of seven Woody sightings”, she said proudly. “And we were able to re-route our girls, to keep them out of view.”Girl Blowing Whistle

“That doesn’t always work, sometimes Woody sneaks around in disguise, so we can’t always spot him until it’s too late. That’s why we started giving the girls whistles”, said Tina Brower, a concerned parent and child-saftey activist.

“My daughter came home crying last year, because Woody Allen approached her, and asked her if she wanted to be ‘in the movies’, and though he didn’t physically touch her or anything, he said really creepy things about how pretty her hair is”, said Barbara Needleman. “That was the last straw”.

Other parents fear that Mr. Allen fetishizes the Girl Scout uniform, and have considered sending the girls to events in normal street clothes. The iconic uniform is said to be a favorite of male predators with unsavory fantasies, along with Catholic school girl uniforms.

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(image credit: The New Yorker)

“We’ve offered to share our campaign with some of the Catholic girl’s schools in Manhattan. They’ve showed interest. Apparently, some of their parents have had Woody sightings, too”, said Barbara.

Not all parents agree, however, and wonder if their safety campaign is going too far. “I like Woody Allen movies, especially the early, funny ones. I know he had problems with Mia Farrow, and all that. But he’s not the monster people make him out to be”, said one parent who declined to be identified. “I know it’s important to be safe, and I respect the concerns of fellow members, and parents, but I fear this campaign might have unintended consequences, making the girls think they’re in more danger than they really are.”

Most parents of the Manhattan Girl Scouts are eagerly distributing the Woody Whistle to fellow members, and to their daughters. And more importantly, teaching them how to use it. “If you hear a whistle, look up. It might be the most important thing you do. Alert a Scoutmaster. Alert a guardian.” But then added, “We’re also teaching them when not to use it. It’s not a toy. It’s not to be used just because they like making noise with it. It’s only to be used in an emergency, if Woody Allen is nearby, and they need to let a guardian know.”

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